THE DUDE ABIDES
“There’s a man … I won’t call him a hero because what defines a hero?” muses the voiceover at the beginning of Big Lebowski. “He’s simply the man suited for his time and place. He belongs right there.” Although he wasn’t referring to football, it fits well, as such sentiments are often applicable to the beautiful game. Do you have a captivating, tough yet unexpectedly sensitive Scotsman? A match made for Manchester United. Or perhaps you’re aware of a socially aware, slightly cheesy, and flamboyant character with a charming smile; that’s Liverpool’s kind of player, while your local confident nerdy strategist could find his place at Arsenal.
It is entirely logical that Jamaica has brought in Steve McClaren, arguably the coolest man named Steve McClaren in football. For years, the brightest minds in the nation have pondered, theorized, and speculated about the significance of his hair resembling an island, but now they can be assured it pays homage to the land of his new role. Football Daily wishes it could witness his inaugural taste of Scotchies jerk, his complexion transforming into a patriotic mix of green and gold, and a sun-soaked tan reminiscing Shelly-Ann Fraser-Pryce’s iconic hair.
We have long contended that national anthems ought to reflect the music that best represents the culture they embody. This means, yes, God Save the King requires a jungle or grime alternative, just as anupdated version is essential for Germany, the USA USA USA, and South Africa to reflect their vibrant Krautrock, hip-hop, and amapiano scenes. McClaren, however, is ahead of the curve, adept at seamlessly integrating local accents to impressive effect. And those who once thought the nickname “Chocolate,” acquired during his first tenure at Old Trafford, implied his players believed if he were a chocolate bar, he’d consume himself, are now eating their words, realizing it was merely a nod to Bournville’s Old Jamaica. No longer the wally with the brolly, but rather the playa with the patois.
These attributes surely did not escape the notice of Michael Ricketts, president of the Jamaica Football Federation and former Premier League and England star, whose three goals in 32 matches when McClaren was at Middlesbrough exemplify the potential wisdom of his choice. “We are absolutely thrilled to announce the appointment of Mr. McClaren as head coach of the Reggae Boyz,” he declared. “We are confident we’ve made the right choice and are eager for him to lead our nation towards the 2026 World Cup.” Meanwhile, the rest of us, noting that McClaren has not stayed in any of his last 12 roles for more than two years, are left to ponder where football’s ultimate cosmopolitan will turn up next. All hail the Tuvaluan tino!
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Wilf and Stormzy don’t merely observe from the sidelines; they engage in the dressing room and are integral to the squad and camaraderie” – Captain of ninth-tier team AFC Croydon Athletic, Brandon Pierrick, reveals the ownership approach of Wilfried Zaha and Stormzy, who invested in their hometown club in June 2023.
Stormzy at a Croydon Athletic match against Horley Town last season. Photograph: Eleanor Hoad/Shutterstock
Re: potential cast for a film on the Saipan incident (Football Daily letters passim). I propose Domhnall Gleeson (Steve Staunton), Paul Mescal (Robbie Keane), and of course, Cillian Murphy as Niall Quinn? Not sure of their football prowess, but then again, it didn’t hinder Michael Caine and Sly Stallone in Escape to Victory” – Phil Scarlett.
Regarding the notion of casting Steve Coogan as England manager as long as he portrays Mick McCarthy, couldn’t we simply cast the real Mick McCar … no, hold on, your idea is better” – Adam Smith.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s prizeless letter of the day winner is … Phil Scarlett. Terms and conditions for our competitions can be found here.
